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Source, The - Issue 1 (1993)(Epsilon)[WB].zip
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foot.txt
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1992-12-22
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The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have
stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to
remember what language you're currently using. This quide is offered as a
service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in
the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and
saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANGUN to
HOLSTER.
CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handle of the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such file or
directory % ls %
XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the
foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Reveration: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you
figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun
doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program
figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining
how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-
fried.